Wednesday, 23 April 2014

The Demon Diet! A Newer, Lighter, Less Infernally Damned, You!

Want to shed unwanted pounds before bikini and bathing suit season! Before you tackle the tummy, why not rid yourself of the filthy denizen of hell that is gnawing  on your eternal soul! This page can help you just that! Don't take my word for it look at the conclusive before and after photos below!

Before: That's you now,                                         After: No more demon!
see the added demon weight?                                                                                                 

See! Pretty conclusive right? But what's that? You don't think you have a demon weight  problem, often known as possession. Luckily "Pigs in the Parlour"  by Frank and Ida May Hammond (1973)  helpfully included a guideline to identifying the tell-tale signs of possession.... the ones that are less obvious than head-spinning, levitation and pea-soup purging.

                               Tell-tales signs of possession, according to Frank and
                                                       Ida May Hammond

1. Emotional issues: These include feelings of anger, resentment, rejection, fear and       hatred.

2. Mental health issues: Ida May says schizophrenia is a DEFINITE sign of                   possession (she knows this because God explicitly told her so in a special                 revelation. "...I want you to know that it is demonic. It is a nest of demon
    spirits..."  Also, procrastination, indecision, compromise and doubt.

3. Speech problems: Lying, cursing, criticism, mockery and gossip.

4. Sexual problems: Sexual fantasy, masturbation, perversions, lust, homosexuality,       fornication, adultery, provocativeness and harlotry.

5. Physical infirmities.

6. Religious "error". Which I think means disagreeing with the Hammond's in any way, shape or form.

Now, I don't know you. But, I'm pretty sure that a good deal of those seven points apply to you, or have at some point. Why? Because that list pretty much encompasses the wealth of human experience.

So now we all know that pretty much all of us are possessed, how the heck did we end up that way? Luckily, exorcist Bob Larson is on hand to tell us what we did wrong! In his book "Larson's Book of Spiritual Warfare" Bob tells us the causes of demonic possession: Listening to rock music, new-age practices, role-playing games, practising Wicca, voodoo and Eastern religions. Also, reading horoscopes, tattoos, piercings and, of particular concern to budding geologists, experimenting with crystals. (NB: This list is not exhaustive).

So now you know that you are categorically, most certainly, infested with demons, (and if you say you're not, well that's lying AND religious error! So you are definitely possessed!) what do you do about it? Well in a coming blog we'll discuss ridding your demon though exorcism, which isn't always lethal! The new you is almost here!

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