Sunday, 3 January 2016

Journalists Baffled By Own Brains....

Britain's top journalists were baffled today when an image of muddled, visual data assembled itself in their brains as a vaguely human-looking figure. The following image caused particular bafflement at the offices of the Daily Mirror.

Journalist Hamish Spammer described his reaction to the picture: "I immediately had the urge to circle it, I don't know why." He continues "I've always had this urge. When I was a child and all the other kids were playing with their hula hoops in the traditional manner, I would lie back in the grass circling random clouds hoping to pick out a cat or a dog... it was weird.... I found a tractor once...."

As Spammer wept gently whilst wistfully remembering his lost youth, other Mirror churnalists engaged in a bitter battle as to what the random cluster of visual data should be labelled "It's a mermaid" screamed sports expert Speck Tannerfield, "No it's Kanye." Protested showbiz expert Jock Vapid "This is clearly his illegitimate love child. Fucking mermaids."

Editor Lloyd Lazy Fucking Clickbait Hack Is This what Journalism Has Come to Embley had his own opinion "For the sake of furthering the noble cause of click-bait, and the revenue it generates, we are running with a demon in the headline."

"That shit generates hits" he drools between bites on the hearts of Woodward and Bernstein "No one cares about actual news anymore. Screw that. Demon babies are the way forward. Do I believe it's a demon? Ha, ha. ha.... no. I'm lazy, not stupid."

"I'm aware that David Hume said "There is an universal tendency among mankind to conceive all beings like themselves, and to transfer to every object, those qualities, with which they are familiarly acquainted, and of which they are intimately conscious. We find human faces in the moon, armies in the clouds; and by a natural propensity, if not corrected by experience and reflection, ascribe malice or good- will to every thing, that hurts or pleases us." But frankly, that guy didn't have deadlines to hit or advertisers to appease, so fuck him. Fuck him in the ear."

When asked how "based upon the fact that ultrasound machines work by emitting high-frequency sound waves into the body, thus detecting membranes boundaries between soft tissue, hard tissue and fluid, what could the demon actually be  composed of, as it must clearly be a physical object?" Embley slowly transformed into this kitten and ball of wool. 

Awww..... look at it. It likes wool. Awww... what were we talking about?

Some internet "skeptics" have thus far attempted to futilely suggest a rational explanation for what is clearly an in utero demon. The Mirror journalists have dodged these protests as nimbly as a kitten playing with a lovely ball of wool.... aw www... "Yes. The skeptics have rational explanations such as pareidolia: a type of illusion or misperception involving a vague or obscure stimulus being perceived as something clear and distinct. But frankly it won't matter when the paranormal pages on social media get hold of this, They don't listen to anything that challenges their beliefs."

Others have challenged the identification of "demon." Intergalactic despot and fictional anime villain Frieza made the following claim: "This is clearly me in my final form, it has a power level of over 9000!" He goes on "I'm every bit as likely as a demon. There's as much empirical evidence that demons or I actually exist...NOW YOU PAY!!! YOU VILE FILTH SUCKING MAGGOTS!! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU CROSSED MY PATH!! PREPARE YOURSELF TO EMBRACE OBLIVION!!!!"

The debate rages on. I guess we'll never know. 

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