'Help! My House is Haunted': Contradictions, deception and misdirection.

Time to dip my toe in the stagnant swamp that is paranormal television again. This time I'm taking a look at Really's new ghost hunting show 'Help! My House is Haunted'. The show is scheduled to run for twelve episodes from mid-July in a fairly prominent Friday night slot sandwiched between 'Ghost Chasers' and 'Most Haunted'. The show is hosted by Chris Fleming from the US, Barri Ghai from the UK and Sandy Lakdar from France.



Whilst the show came to my attention as a result of several articles published in the Star featuring host Barri Ghai (1), it captured my interest for two particular reasons. Firstly, in the show's cold opening, it claims that science has now advanced to such a point that it can be used to "sort fact from fiction" with regards to the existence of ghosts. Secondly, the show's title implies it's aim is to come to the aid of members of the public who believe their home is haunted.

This means that despite it is For entertainment purposes' screen cap at the start of each episode, it is making two claims that I think should be taken seriously. Firstly, the show is claiming scientific accuracy and more importantly, it is claiming that it can improve the lives of the people's houses investigated.

I already have a severe issue with the second claim and the show's ability to demonstrate this. One of Ghai's articles for the Star implied that "every home in the UK 'could be' haunted". If the show's producers are aware that the idea that a home could be haunted could cause distress, as the very title of the show implies, it seems irresponsible to lead many to believe their homes are haunted simply in a bid to drum up interest in the show.

Whilst a very British show, American readers may be interested too, as it credits a certain Zak Bagans as an executive producer. Whether he had any input in the show or this is simply a vanity credit, I'll let you be the judge.

Why Episode 3: De Grey St, Hull? 

I chose episode 3 (listed as episode 4 on IMBD for some reason), which features an investigation at a residential home in Hull to focus on in the review. This may seem like a random choice, it isn't the first episode, it isn't the latest episode, but of the four episodes available on Really's on-demand service, it is the only one to actually involve a residence.



The other episodes thus far concern public buildings, hotels, stately homes and public houses. Certainly, these places can be homes, but they don't really fit the show's mission statement as given on the station's website (2):

"Ghostly bumps in the night make for good cinema, but if it's happening in your own house and scaring the life out of mum, dad and the kids, then it's suddenly not so entertaining. Help! My House Is Haunted's team of new, fresh of paranormal investigators are taking the art of ghost-hunting into the 21st century."

As this is the claim, it seems odd that 4/5 of the investigations thus far have not been houses. As my primary concern is the way the team conduct themselves around the public, it isn't appropriate to get bogged down with their investigations of public venues.

Unfortunately, even this episode can't be totally cleared of the idea of ultimately being money-motivated. In fact, it could be more directly tied to paranormal tourism than any of the other shows combined. 39 De Gray street is a well-known destination for ghost hunting events companies, with groups charging up to £55 (~$70) per person for entry to the site.

Clearly, what this demonstrates initially is that the show isn't what it presents itself to be. I suspect the mission statement is an attempt to distinguish the show from other ghost hunting shows. The fact that they fail to maintain this dividing line is very telling. They aren't investigating private residences. They aren't helping people who believe their homes are haunted. The title is completely misleading. This show is about the 'paranormal pound' nothing else.

The proprietors involved in the show don't want help. They want publicity.

Perhaps a more fitting title for the show would have been 'Kerching! My business is Haunted (and on the telly)'.

In addition to this, the claim of taking "ghost-hunting into the 21st Century" has to be contrasted with the image of one of the hosts burning feathers to ward off evil spirits. That's all it really takes to dismiss any notion of this programme offering modern take on these subjects.

As with all paranormal investigative TV, science is simply window dressing. In the end, it's the old favourites that the crew rely on because that is the kind of method audiences react to. It's the kind of method that allows these shows to say something conclusive about ghosts.

In fact, immediately after this image is shown in the cold-opening, Ghai tells us about the team using the "latest high-tech equipment" in their investigations. I have to wonder if the production team are mocking their audience in doing this? I can't see how this isn't a deliberate attempt to show just how contradictory the show's mission is in comparison to its content.

Meet the team... 

The show introduces us to our three hosts and a clear lack of consistency is further hammered home. Chris Flemming is introduced as the team's physic. Sandy Lakdar as a "truth seeker" who cites "her body as her first detector". All of which sounds like a so-called 'sensitive' to me. Wasn't this the show that is going to investigate ghosts in such a way that is only possible now because of advances in science?

Whatever you think of psychics and sensitives, they've been around for centuries. Neither 'skill' classes as any kind of advancement. Only Barri Ghai presents himself as an expert in technology.

We'll see how this pans out during the episode. 

The idea of Lakdar as an investigator using the scientific method is a laughable one in consideration of the name of the team she heads up with her husband 'The Believers' (3), which tells you everything you need to know about the level of objectivity they bring to their work. They have even titled the documentary of their investigative methods 'The Art of Believing' (4). Which implies to me that they present beginning an investigation with a pre-existing belief as a benefit. 

It's hard to discuss Chris Flemming without referring to the many strings to his bow. On his website (5), he markets himself as a physic, a paranormal investigator, a media expert (disconcertingly vague that one) and even an inspirational speaker. What caught my attention was his storefront 'Ghost Outlet' (6) - from which he sells the usual array of electrical equipment at marked up prices. You could also pick up some personalised Chris Flemming merch... want a signed photo of Chris in a grey waistcoat for $20? 

Of course, you don't, why would you?

On to the episode itself...

Hull hath no fury...

After a strangely lacklustre intro sequence, we are introduced to the property on Grey street in Hull, which we are told has been the site of a spate of poltergeist activity. This includes events such as a carving knife being balanced on some plates. An event we are told cannot be explained in any other way than some form of paranormal intervention.

How about someone preparing a late-night snack and forgetting about the knife? 

The team arrives at the home and Chris Flemming enters to investigate, commenting "it looks like a slum". Fuck you mate. We can't all make $20 a pop for photos of us in shitty waistcoats. Chris also remarks that he has been told nothing about the property in advance.



This ranks as one of those claims you often get on paranormal television that are just so unverifiable that it's completely pointless to make. No one is going to be convinced by the claim, the only people who would accept it are the people who would have accepted Chris' psychic proclamations without protest anyway.

It's also a claim that he will disprove himself in short measure.

Those psychic skills of Chris' determine that the house is uninhabited. I'm assuming that he was also blindfolded outside the house as the boarded-up windows kind of give the game away in that regard. He also uses his amazing talents to count "panes of mirrors" in a particular room. Whilst investigating a room filled with dolls he remarks how "creepy" they are and that "they might be possessed". Or the owner could have just stuck a load of old tat up on the walls to creep out the ghost hunters who are fool enough to pay him to investigate his house.

In the meantime, Ghai and Lakdar head off to the local history centre to collect information about the story. Again there's a contradiction here. One-third of the team seems to understand that the benefit of prior information before entering the house colours the experience that will be had in the said house. The other 2/3s of the team are rushing off to find as much information as possible and thus ensure their experience is completely coloured by prior knowledge. 

Ghai and Lakdar aren't the only people who have headed to the Hull History Centre to research 39 De Gray Street, the home in question. Local historian, Mike Covell also conducted his own research on the property (7) (8).

Let's compare and contrast the two sources shall we?

The alternate histories of 39 DeGray Street

The show claims that the property has had multiple occupants, with very few staying for prolonged periods of time. Covell's research seemed to confirm this. But there are lots of reasons why people may not stay in a property for a prolonged period of time that has nothing to do with ghostly occurrences. The high-turnover in occupancy allowed Covell to reach out to several previous residents, none of whom reported ghostly or paranormal happenings.

The show's team quickly abandon actual research quite and go to the house's owner Andy for the property's history. That's the difference between Covell's research and their's. The show settles for word of mouth and rumour rather than actual information as Covell did.

Andy tells Lakdar a tale about seeing a ghostly young girl at the foot of his bed. At this point, with the help of a sharp edit, a quite extraordinary bait and switch occurs. After this story is relaid Lakdar tells us in voice-over that Andy informs her that the home was a former foster-home. We don't know where this information comes from, when the show's focus returns to the conversation between Andy and Lakdar, she is asking how he feels to be surrounded by a multitude of infant ghosts.

Covell thoroughly researched the claim that 39 DeGray street had, at one time, been a foster home or orphanage, as is commonly claimed. Checking the property history of Hull, local and national newspapers and even documentation regarding fundraisers and subscriptions, Covell found no evidence that 39 DeGray street had ever been an orphanage or foster home.

What's remarkable is our psychic Chris picks up on the spirits of distressed children. Almost as if his psychic powers are tuned in to the false narrative created around the house rather than its actual history... But remember, he didn't know anything about the property before going in...

Ghai meets a local author Mark Riley who claims that a number of children have been murdered in the property by 'evil spirits'. Again, Mike Covall scoured a multitude of local and national papers to find any mention of murders taking place at 39 De Gray Street. And again he found no such evidence.

As the show juxtaposes these information gathering sections with Chris' journey around the house we are repeatedly told that he can't possibly be aware of the information being recounted to both Ghei and Lakdar. This claim is undermined by two conceits. Firstly it requires the audience to believe that the trip to the library and both interviews were conducted simultaneously to Chris' tour of the house.

How long exactly was he in there? Because accounting for travelling time, the length of the actual interviews and the time it takes to set up and dismantle recording equipment, not to mention the collection of exterior shots... well... it's highly unlikely that all these things happened on the same afternoon or day even.

Secondly, all the information that is relaid is commonly available on the internet. The sites which advertise jaunts to 39 De Gray street boast of its macabre history. That's what inspired Covall to write his articles dismissing this word of mouth history that has built up around the house. Flemming could just be drawing on the same information that is commonly available that brought the production company to the location in the first place.

The whole time I'm watching the information gathering process the adage "methinks the lady dost protest too much" is echoing through my mind. The show is to at pains to claim the Flemming knows nothing about the 'history' surrounding this property. Unfortunately, Flemming is his own undoing in this respect. At one point, whilst in the room occupied by the dolls, he turns to the camera and reminds the audience that the owner of the house rents it out for ghost-tours.

I thought you didn't know anything about the house before going in? You just debunked yourself mate. Well done.


Let's move on to the investigation itself and the team's various scientific claims.

Lights out, it's Investigation time.

In this element of the show, we are really exposed to just how similar it is to every other ghost hunting programme currently broadcast on UK and US television.

We get a pseudo-scientific explanation of why the house may be a conduit for spirits. Hull is surrounded by water and water draws energy towards it. All meaningless nonsense, of course, but Ghai delivers it to the audience with the confidence of a sci-fi hero suggesting that the solution to a sticky problem is "reversing the polarity of the neutron flow".

When the investigation begins Lakdar is pains to point that the lights are switched out, as they always are before beginning an investigation. Yes, because why would the ability to actually see be useful in an investigation?

I can't see how operating in these lighting conditions would harm an investigation

Comments are frequently made during the investigation that hint at two of the hosts Ghei and Lakdar not acknowledging that owner Andy rents it out for ghost tours. Ghei remarks that the house makes him feel uneasy. It's designed to that. It's like suggesting that the owner of a ghost train should clean up a few of the faux cobwebs. Lakdar laughably states she can see why he can't get any occupants to live there.

Yes, because he is making a killing from rubes paying to ghost hunt in there! Why would he waste money fixing the place up for tenants when he is exploiting its ramshackle state for money nicely already?

We see little in regards to 'evidence' during the investigation. The vague impression of hands on a mirror lead the team to conclude that this mirror is a 'portal' of some sort. Flemming boldly states that as a result of this there is a chance that the team may not even survive the night!

Blimey!

Sandy insists that she is left alone in the house for some reason. During her solo-investigation, which consists of her sitting upstairs on the landing carpet, she claims to have heard footsteps. Ghai concludes she has encountered a male 'malevolent' spirit. I'm left wondering how tense and dramatic the scene would have been if the lights had been allowed to be left on. In a well-lit environment, I doubt that many viewers would have concluded that anything of significance had happened at all.

After her vigil, Sandy appears to break down in tears prompting Ghei to remove her from the residence. As she turns to the camera, there isn't so much as a smudge to her heavily applied eye-makeup.

There isn't much to say about Flemming's contribution. He holds his hand out and says multiple spirit children have hold of it. Again, remove the eerie soundtrack, turn on the lights and tell me this isn't just a crank in a room spouting bullshit. Would anyone be convinced be either Lakdar or Flemming without the production elements of the show?

One interesting thing that happens during the investigation is Sandy asks 'the spirits' to move a ball placed on a table in one of the upstairs rooms. The ball doesn't move, but a cable on one of the lighting rigs waves slightly. What is interesting about this is the door to the room is closed. The wire leads out through it.

In every other instance of the team investigating a room, they leave the doors open. Before the wire moves, Sandy turns away from it to look towards the wire. If she is expecting the ball to move why isn't she watching it? Why is she watching a completely different area of the room? Why is she facing away from the cameraman who is recording the events unfolding in the room?




She says that she turned towards the wire because its movement makes a noise, but she's already looking that way before the movement begins!

The team reinvestigate the room with their high-tech equipment derived from X-Box Kinect technology. Part of the anomaly is a 'dancing figure' on top of a wardrobe.





The stick figure image of the X Box Kinect is created by the system detecting and identifying vaguely 'human-like' shapes. The system is far from perfect, thus often confuses chairs and other objects as humans. Kenny Biddle gives a great explanation of how the system works and can become confused here (9). So what could be causing the system to be confused here?

Could it be this strange light-setup?



It could certainly look like a vague head and shoulders.




As if to confirm my theory, Ghai points the Kinect detector into the small wardrobe where it displays multiple 'entities'. In reality, it is simply confused by the multiple hangers in the enclosed space.

Conclusion

Let's wrap things up at this point. I'm aware that I've now written 3000 words about a very silly paranormal investigation show, that was cheaply made to capture a few ratings on a Friday evening. But 'Help! My House is Haunted' surprised me with just how contradictory and deceptive it is.

I don't expect paranormal television to be honest. I doubt many people do. But this show can't even be honest about its title. It isn't about helping everyday people. It isn't about homes or residences. It isn't a show that heavily focuses on science. It isn't a show that has only just become available through technological advances.

There's simply nothing different about this show than thousands of others, but whereas they acknowledge that they are what they are, 'Help! My House is Haunted' is hiding a quite mundane show under a title that someone clearly devised before the show even went into production.

It's a patchwork of the usual deceptive practices offered in ghost hunting TV and a host of bizarre contradictions. It is almost as if different elements of the cast and crew had a completely different idea of the show that they were making.

In the end, this makes it a deeply cynical offering that insults the intelligence of fans of paranormal television hoping they won't notice how poorly stitched together it is. 

References

(1) https://skepticsboot.blogspot.com/2018/08/ghost-hunter-claims-every-house-in-uk.html

(2) https://really.uktv.co.uk/shows/help-my-house-is-haunted/

(3) http://www.whatisthebelievers.com/contact.html

(4) https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=64&v=7aaJKggxc8c

(5) http://christopherfleming.com/

(6) https://www.ghostoutlet.com/

(7) https://www.spookyisles.com/2017/12/paranormal-investigators-use-historical-documents/

(8) https://pocketmags.com/onlinereader/html5_reader/false/155875

(9) https://www.csicop.org/specialarticles/show/the_xbox_kinect_and_paranormal_investigation

Ghost hunter claims every house in the UK 'could be' haunted: Lots of ghosts. Not much evidence.

As a long-time follower of paranormal investigators and their interactions with sceptics, there are some phrases and expressions that stick in my mind and can be wheeled out to describe a variety of stories and events. For example, when reading the claims of a ghost hunter printed in a British paper, I think back to Joe Nickell's description of Ed Warren on a classic episode of the Sally Jesse Raphael Show in the 1990's.

"Warren never entered a house that he didn't think was haunted"

Those words echoed through my head as I read a story published in the UK's Daily Star newspaper on the 10th August entitled 'It’s possible EVERY British household is haunted’ Terrifying warning by expert' (1). If you've any doubt what the motivation behind the report is then the strapline 'A GHOST hunter has claimed every British household could be haunted by evil spirits.' should give you some indication.

The ghost hunter (or 'GHOST hunter' according to the Star) in question, Barri Ghai, has been the focus of a vast amount of articles in the Star over the past week. Almost every day he has appeared discussing some very 'clickbaity' aspect of the paranormal.

This has included discussing Elvis' ghost on 6th August and the 'irrefutable proof' that a ghost touched former glamour model, Katie Price's arm on 4th August. All of this attention from the Star is linked to Ghai's upcoming ghost-hunting show set to air on UK digital channel Really, the same channel that airs ailing ghost investigation farce 'Most Haunted.' 

The article in itself is stunningly lightweight, Ghai offers no real insight, a theme that runs through all of his articles for the Star. His main point seems to be that Britain's homes should be particularly vulnerable to hauntings because of their 'history'. "It's not just the home," Ghai says "it's the land around us." A particularly nonsensical claim considering that all areas have a history, what Ghai seems to mean is a history that he is aware of. Does he think that land in other countries didn't have people and animals dying on them throughout history?

He has a strangely 'Anglo-centric' view of history if he hasn't considered this.

It's pretty obvious that the series of articles featuring Ghai is paid promotion to support to the show 'Help! My House is Haunted." making them cheap and cynical. Neither the production company behind the show, Really or the Star care if these articles are lightweight junk. Not even if it's lightweight junk that misleads or causes fear and anxiety.

I view the article in conjunction with the recent story that went viral by ghost hunter Gary Parsons, claiming that the heatwaves experienced in the UK are responsible for a rise in ghost sightings (2). Neither article has the slightest bit of evidence behind them and both seem to offer an excuse for the tabloid press to print further ghostly nonsense.

But there is a worrying trend here. In an attempt by these ghost hunters to make themselves relevant they are exposing potential sensitive and scared audience to the idea that ghosts exist, but they are everywhere.

There isn't a lick of evidence to support these claims, of course. We're being told that Ghai, Parsons and others cited in the articles are 'experts' but were are the telltale signs of expertise? Here's a striking example that the addition of an implied expertise done simply to lend credence to nonsense. It's an argument from authority.

"Technical paranormal expert, Robert Bryant, said: "With temperatures soaring its having an unexplained increase in paranormal activities."

Ok. So he's a 'technical expert'. Surely that means we can expect him to talk about some technology, maybe attempt to offer an explanation as to why high temperatures may be leading to an increase in ghost sightings from a physical standpoint?

Well no. After briefly mentioning the 'Huff WonderBox' (yes, this 'technical expert' couldn't identify a broken radio when he purchased it for hundreds of dollars), Bryant offers this gem:

"On a recent house investigation, my body was taken over by a dead priest and refused to leave until it was ordered to leave by my colleague Amanda Oriana."

Yeah. Dead priests can be stubborn, sounds like you got lucky if this one left your body after just being told to do so.

Not very technical though is it?

I'll be honest when I saw the headlines of this series of articles I was excited. I haven't talked about the supernatural or debunked any paranormal claims for some time. I wanted to, for the summer at least, dip my toes back in. Maybe do a few old 'Skeptic's Boot' style articles. But what I instead found was a commentary on a major reason I haven't been touching this stuff of late.

There's really nothing here to debunk.

I really feel like we've come full-circle with the claims of ghost hunters and the attitude the tabloid press has towards them. There's no need for 'evidence'to build the claims around anymore. Journalists are simply looking for a paranormal-themed story to write that centres around a possible 'news hook'.

People are reading articles about the heatwave the UK experienced in June and July, so journos go out and find an 'expert' willing to sell them bullshit centred around that. Readers are always interested in celebrity stories, let's centre a ghost story around that.

Nickell's comment about Ed warren that I featured at the head of this post has come to horrific fruition. There is now a huge swathe of ghost hunters who are unable to walk into a home that they don't think is haunted. In Ghai's case, he's quite happy to tell you that your house is haunted without ever stepping foot in the same street! And there are tabloid media more than willing to serve that up to their customers.

The problem that this presents to sceptics is this, there's that old adage "What can be claimed without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence" but this is a double-edged sword. Sure, on one hand, it means we can increasingly dismiss the claims of ghost hunters without a second thought. But it also means that we are deprived of the opportunity to change the minds of believers and fence-sitters.

That's concerning. Especially as many sceptics and debunkers of paranormal claims were once believers. They had their mind swayed, in many cases, by coming across the work of a previous generation of sceptics, by convincing well-laid out auguments.

How do we build an argument on nothing substantive? Other than pointing out how unsubstantive it is?

References

(1) https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/weird-news/722509/Ghost-news-every-British-household-haunted-warning-video

(2) https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/weird-news/721496/UK-heatwave-weather-forecast-ghost-news-paranormal-investigators

Reviewing 'Haunted Tours. With Stephen Erikintalo.'

If you cast your minds back to May 2017, you may remember I talked about a prospective ghost-hunting television show called 'Haunted Tours' (1) that was to feature one Stephen Erikintalo. Erikintalo distinguished himself from other paranormal investigators with 'extreme' antics such as lying on disused train tracks with a Ouija board on his stomach. Whilst he and the producers of the show, the Jalbert brothers (2), enthused about how revolutionary this ghost hunting show/ Jackass hybrid would be, with Erikintalo even branding other investigators "pussies" on his Facebook page, I worried what effect reckless disregard for safety and bullshit machismo would have on the paranormal community at large. We're talking about a community here that is built on copying TV shows and rampant 'one-upmanship'. I don't want to see someone hurt replicating the actions of Stephen Erikintalo, especially the utterly stupid act of lying down on active railway tracks.

I also cast some doubt that the show would appear on Amazon Prime, Hulu and Netflix in October of that year as Erikintalo and the Jalberts claimed. Well, I was wrong. Kind of. The show has been released to the public, albeit only on Amazon Prime and much later than October 2017, with its European release on the service occurring in March 2018.

I was informed of this fact by one of the producers, Brian Jalbert. The Jalberts seem extremely happy with the show's performance thus far, posting figures of watch times on Amazon to Facebook.

Unfortunately, Brian seems to have cropped the y-axis off his graph and the values column on his table. This means we have absolutely no idea in 2,038,485 are watch minutes (as Jalbert says) or watched seconds. He also claims the table states a total of "2,038,485,00 million watch minutes"!

Just a slight exaggeration there boys!

As Brian was kind enough to reach out to me, I decided it would only be fair to reciprocate by watching a couple of episodes and giving you all my thoughts on the show. I took a look at three episodes of the five-episode first series, episode 1: Mr Nasty, episode 2: I killed them and episode 4: Gunsmoke.

The Format: Tried, Tested, Tired. 

Each episode of the show begins with a warning to the audience as is standard with paranormal shows of this kind. Unlike other shows, the warning makes no mention of the fact that the show is for 'entertainment purposes only' but rather focuses on the 'extreme' nature of the show. Something tells me earlier on I'm going to get very tired of the word 'extreme' very quickly.

There's a fantastic moment in the first episode when an on-screen graphic and voice-over asks the audience "Do you believe in ghost" Clearly they spell check the later episodes as the graphic is corrected but the voice-over remains "ghost" rather than "ghosts".

The episodes follow the standard established in US ghost hunting shows. The team arrives at the location, receive a daylight tour by someone familiar with it who also relays some suitably spooky stories and highlights points where activity is alleged to have taken place which will be revisited later during the investigation.

Another commonality the show shares with others in its genre is the over-bearing production style. Camera filters are used frequently during the course of the episode to add a sepia tone to the screen. In addition to that camera shakes and static is added, as well as camera status bars for some reason. It's frustrating and definitely indicates that the show favours style over substance. This sepia overlay with the grainy 'film-like' effect is so pointless, it's meant to invoke an old-fashioned, antique feel, but immediately takes you out of the show when you consider that Go-Pros are a fairly recent invention.

Likewise, the soundtrack of stock 'creepy' music is overbearing and obnoxious. At one point in episode 1, Victoria and the crew claim to have heard a noise from above in the property. We don't hear it though, as at the moment it supposedly occurs there's a loud music cue. These things are meant to invoke a mood, it's the adequate establishing of this mood that has led to the success of paranormal programming and certain horror franchises. But when it's done clumsily, it just takes you out of the programme.

We are introduced to the team. Our 'extreme' investigator Stephen Erikintalo, our host and 'skeptic' Victoria Catherine and the Jalbert brothers, Brian and Jake. During the course of the episode, we also meet Nick, the camera-man, who presumably doesn't have an introduction despite being a key player in episode 4 especially.

Victoria Catherine: Skeptic?

The idea of Victoria's role as a 'skeptic' becomes quite ludicrous within the opening moments of 'Mr Nasty'. During the trip to the team's first location, the May-Stringer house in Florida, Victoria discusses her history with the paranormal.

During this discussion, Victoria reveals that during her childhood she'd lived in a house built on an 'Indian burial-ground'. Yep. That chestnut. This is our skeptic remember. This kind of thing continues during the course of this episode and the subsequent episodes. She seems almost unsure of her role in the show at points and swerves from screaming to cooly assessing events at a later point. Almost as if the Jalberts are having to remind her "You're the skeptic..."

What's interesting is Victoria also makes a couple of Freudian slips during the episodes I watched. One, in particular, is so revelatory that I can't believe the Jalberts left it in the show!

During the investigation in episode 1 whilst in the May-Stringer attic, Victoria claims that she is experiencing a burning sensation in her arm. It's quite clear at this point that she is offering a performance and not a particularly convincing one. There are moments when she is quite visibly corpsing and suppressing laughter. And then she seems to stop panicking and says "...I think it's more realistic if I cuss...."

If this incidence was real and not purely for the cameras, why would Victoria care whether it seems "realistic" or not? It seems to me that Victoria is breaking character here and checking her performance against the Jalbert's expectations.

The role of Victoria Catherine over the episodes seems not to be the skeptic at all, rather she seems to be the one most emotionally affected by the proceedings. It also becomes clear the Erikintalo wants to goad our host into an emotional response. During the episodes, Erikintalo frequently urges 'the spirits' to grab or harm Victoria in some way.

During episode 4, Gunsmoke, filmed at the Cuban Club, Stephen encourages Nick and Victoria to role-play a violent incident in the location's history. During this Nick grabs Victoria's hair, yanks her head back and shouts in her face.

It's not extreme.

It's weird, uncomfortable, unnecessary, upsetting and exploitative...

Stephen Erikintalo: Extreme or extremely stupid? 

As for the promised extreme content, episode 1 is most notable for how mundane it is. I was seriously bored by the time Erikintalo showed up at 19 minutes and was surprised when he does very little performing two EVP sessions and two-spirit box sessions which are completely uneventful.

Episode 2 sees Erikintalo determined to make something happen. It seems the crew want to avoid the possibility of another wash-out. Victoria even predicts, in another veil-lifting moment, that Erikintalo will try to "Pull out some scary things."

This prediction seems on the money, as it's during the course of this 'investigation' that Erikintalo leaves the building to lie down on nearby train tracks. We're told these train tracks are active, and indeed we have already seen a train on them. This act is completely and utterly stupid and marks Erikintalo out as nothing more than an attention seeker as it achieves literally nothing of value. Frankly, he comes off as a complete prick. It seems that at least one crew member agrees. Nick the cameraman repeatedly tells Erikintalo to get up and seems quite angry and upset by the incident.

Erikintalo seems lacking in any kind of actual expertise. His explanation of how spirit boxes work is vague and incorrect for the most part. When he makes statements such as "mirrors trap parts of you as you turn away. The dead is trapped in the mirror" he just seems to be making his explanations up as he goes along. And he's not particularly good at improvising. It's garbled and hardly gives the impression of knowledge in anyway shape or form.

All this reinforces the fact that I can find virtually no information about Erikintalo before the filming of Haunted Tours barring an unsuccessful Kickstarter project in 2015 (3) and a smattering of internet radio interviews.

The only other trace I could find I could of Erikintalo was as a male model with the agency model mayhem (4).

All this is odd considering Erikintalo's claim to be the most "controversial investigator in the field". Surely if he were so controversial people would be talking about him?

The conclusion. 

The greatest fault of Haunted Tours is that the promotional material for the show promised us that this would be something different and yet the show does nothing to distinguish itself from the pack. I didn't find it the least bit entertaining and I can't really see many people concluding differently.

Both Catherine and the Jalberts come across as likeable. It's clear Victoria is not suited to the role of skeptic and seems to be uncomfortable and unsure what she should have been doing at times. I think cameraman Nick would have better suited the role.

Erikintalo fails to live up to his 'extreme' label. When he performs his stunts they seem sophomoric and immature and he comes across as deeply unlikable. Most worryingly he doesn't seem to display any real expertise at all. Any equipment he brings is carried in his pockets. It's amateurish and gives the impression of someone who thinks attention-grabbing stunts will distract from this aura of vagueness and bluster.

It fails to rescue the show from the mediocrity it shares with its peers.

References

(1) http://skepticsboot.blogspot.co.uk/2017/05/ghost-hunting-just-got-extremely-stupid.html

(2) https://www.thefilmcatalogue.com/companies/jalbert-brothers-studio

(3) https://www.kickstarter.com/profile/1765984700/created

(4) https://www.modelmayhem.com/stephenerkintalo

The Lowdown on Paranormal Lockdown. Season 1 Episode 5 "Hinsdale House" Reviewed

Paranormal Lockdown is the new darling of paranormal investigative TV, or so I'm told by people who actually know about this stuff. As it begins airing on UK television on 16/03/2017 I think some young, intelligent, up and coming skeptic based in the UK should review a few episodes!

Until they do here's my take on an episode I recently viewed.

Hosted by the team of Nick Groff, previously of Ghost Adventures and Katrina Weidman one time star of Paranormal State, Paranormal Lockdown has a gimmick in order to distinguish from the slew of other similar shows. In this case, Groff and Weidman (below) lock themselves in an allegedly haunted location for 72 hours in search of "groundbreaking evidence" of the paranormal. Another interesting factor is the inclusion of recognisable figures from the paranormal field in each episode. Guests thus far include John Zaffis, Steve Huff, Tony Spera and Lorraine Warren and Gregg Newkirk and Dana Mathews of Week in Weird "fame."

The show aired its first season between March and April 2016 on Destination America, with the second season which aired on TLC completing its run in March 2017.

I was first introduced to the show in preparation for the Spooktator episode 18, and as I simply wouldn't have anything to contribute if I didn't watch an episode, I viewed season one episode 5 "Hinsdale House". Watching the episode pretty much confirmed the presence everything I thought I'd find in the show. More than that, however, it actually allowed me to crystallise much of what I find vexing about this form of paranormal research, or what is better termed "ghost hunting", both on television and in the practice of many teams across the US and UK in particular. If you want a snapshot of why the modern idea of "ghost hunting" is becoming farcical you could do worse than view this episode of Lockdown.

What I'm going to put on the table here isn't a straight review of lockdown as I did for Demon Files. Rather, I'll view the show through a lens of the commonly occurring tropes and problems I find with this genre of reality television. The problems listed are by no means conclusive or exhaustive, but I'm going to use the framework to review future and past "ghost hunting" TV in the same way.

Enough inside baseball. Let's crack on.

Paranormal Lockdown, Season one: episode five, Hinsdale House. 

Before moving on to the details of the specific episode itself, it's worth mentioning the complete rip-off of House of the Rising Sun that operates as the series' opening theme. Which is laughable. In fact the whole opening looks more like some mid-90's Angel/X-Files rip off.

Problem 1: "Feels Over Reals" The Over Reliance On Subjective Evidence

Aww... Nick "feels sadness." I feel nauseated.

Most paranormal investigation TV shows place an emphasis on the "evidence" collected and presented during the course of an episode, but I've noticed that so much of this is in the form of the "feelings" of the on-screen investigators. These feelings are subjective and shouldn't be considered evidence at all. Statements such as "I have an oppressive feeling" or "I feel like something wants us to get out" may add a sense of dread to the show when not much else is happening, but they add nothing else.

Viewing this episode of Paranormal Lockdown allowed me to quantify just how reliant these shows can be on presenting subjective feelings as evidence. To do this I counted the number of times Groff, Weidman or the episode's guest "star" Tony Spera, son in law of Ed and Lorraine Warren, issued a statement that began "I feel..." or implied some unnatural sense which could not be verified. I also included times when Groff claimed to have "heard" sounds which were not recorded by the crew's equipment.

The total number of subjective statements made the team: 33.

Statements include:

"We all feel something dark."

"I felt a burst of energy."

"I feel like I'm being dragged back." and "I feel like I'm being strangled."

"I feel like I'm being punched in the head." 

"(I feel) a negative overwhelming energy."

And most laughably:

"I feel confident in the evidence we've collected."

Ok, that last one is a bit cheeky.

That's all in 42 minutes, so a subjective statement on average every 76 seconds! Consider I've not included the show's numerous recaps in that count, and that the running time includes the lengthy intro song.

Compare this with the number of pieces of objective evidence offered by the show: 2. Both EVP samples, which are, ironically, highly subjective in nature themselves!

"there's no heaven" After learning Paranormal Lockdown has been commissioned for season 3 I tend to agree

Unsurprisingly, these samples are presented with on-screen captioning so there's no possibility of the audience hearing anything that Groff doesn't want them to hear, or worse case scenario, random noise. In fact, this is so widespread in ghost hunting let's call that:

Problem 2: EVP and ITC methods presented in a highly suggestible way with no mention of the various equipment flaws, such as the auto gain circuit, which can lead to anomalous data.

Which all leads to:

Problem 3: Scientific Equipment as window dressing.

Many fans of ghost hunting television are commending Lockdown for its use of scientific methodology and equipment, that fact that absolutely stuns me, as in the Hinsdale house episode, barring the use of what seems to be a simple dictaphone and night vision cameras they don't actually use any equipment! I was expecting the usual tropes of K2 meters, thermal cameras or at least laser thermometers but Groff and Weidman don't use any of it. They do appear to have this stuff with them on the investigation, but it isn't directly referenced.

It's for this reason, I've decided to review a second episode of the show, I was going to do it immediately but this post is likely to be lengthy enough. I know Groff and crew must resort to this kind of bunk at some point as Steve Huff has been involved with their show and bullshit paranormal technology is his bag.

What I've noticed is the technology that is featured in these shows is mere window dressing, employed to lend an air seriousness and credibility to findings. Of course, this credibility instantly disappears under the scrutiny of anyone who can actually use or understands the equipment in question. I'd go even further, in the case of the TV shows in question, the equipment used is a MacGuffin, a device required to move the plot along. Easy to conclude when you see a hapless ghost hunter waving an EMF detector around like Harry Potter with his wand.

During a section where Tony Spera explains the swarm of flies in the window is due to a strong electromagnetic field produced by a demon (presumably a tiny demon sat on the window ledge) I expect Groff to whip out some form of equip to detect this. He doesn't, perhaps because he knows flies swarm in windows because they tend to be pretty warm during the day, also some species of flies lay their eggs in window frames. Also, there is no evidence flies are attracted to electromagnetic fields despite Groff laughably telling us that "many believe" this.

As for the claim that demons give off electromagnetic fields.

Problem 4: Unverifiable Statements about entities not proven to exist given as fact.

A statement like the one above by Tony Spera that demons give off electromagnetic fields in patently nonsense, as are any similar comments made in these shows about ghosts. As these things have never been shown to exist, and as of yet, there aren't any phenomena that occur in the natural world that can only be explained by something with attributes of demons or ghosts. So not only have ghosts and demons not been shown to exist, there isn't any NEED for them to exist. It's shocking how casually ghost hunters slip in facts about paranormal phenomena and the qualities possessed by the same.

Include in this:

"What we're getting in... all adds to to demonic."

"Their overall goal is to break you down..."

"These physical effects... are warning signs of a demonic possession"

All mentioned in this episode, and which lead to:

Problem 5: If ghosts and demons haven't been shown to exist.....

....Then there's no way to distinguish between a "demonic haunting" and a regular haunting. Again, Groff, Spera and Weidman's justification for making this differentiation in the class of haunting is how they all feel about the house. This cuts down the drama of the paranormal investigation show, a genre of TV that has been used "demons" increasingly over the last decade as a device to up the ante with a public desensitised to ghosts, which can often be presented as placid or even well meaning. Demons are always evil, dangerous and menacing, the mention of such, especially in more fundamentalist Christian areas of the US is likely to increase the audience's cathartic sense of fear and titillation. It's more likely to keep them watching.

This means that big moment when one of the investigators turns to the audience and says "I think... it's demonic!" is essentially a damp squib if any thought is actually given to what they propose. "Well, we don't actually know if demons exist. or ghosts, so we've no way of actually knowing if our location is haunted at all... but if we did, I've had a headache since lunch....and was roughly the time we entered..." may be more honest, but it isn't going to fly with viewers.

Crinkly old shill Lorraine Warren menacingly warning Groff to go to Church for protection, I can see that working with both Bible belt Americans and thrill-seeking movie goers.

Problem 6: How Dangerous are demons again?

This isn't necessarily a major point, but one thing that strikes me about shows that wax lyrical about the dangers of demons, ghosts and negative entities is that on occasion when these beings to manifest physical harm, it's normally a superficial scratch or welt. In this episode of Lockdown, for example, we hear from Groff. Spera and Warren how dangerous demons are. Spera warns Nick he may be battered physically (with some glee too). Warren even describes being strangled in the house, but when it comes time for Nick to be assaulted he receives a small scratch on his hand. One that doesn't even leave a mark.

Problem 7: An Over-emphasis on a location's history.

Groff and Weidman, during the course of the investigation, tell us numerous accounts of Hinsdale house's history, fleeing families, brothers shot in the woods and boys killed in bandsaw accidents, amongst other anecdotes we'll cover in problem 8 below. This is a common theme with ghost hunting TV which has carried through to pedestrian teams, a great deal of research is conducted in the history of a supposedly haunted location. These anecdotes of past events and encounters are frequently linked by these teams to current events with little or no reason to do so. Investigations should be conducted without the risk of a prior knowledge of a location introducing bias to collected data.

Local history is often added in these shows for "flavour" who doesn't love a ghost story? And ghost stories need a narrative beginning, in the case of a ghost story the beginning comes in the form of a death. Unfortunately, real-life teams have taken a blatant story-telling element from these shows and integrated it into their work.

Speaking of "story telling".

Problem 8: Complete fabrication and wild speculation.

The only thing worse than the use of historical events introducing bias to an investigation is the introduction of completely fabricated events, to which a framework of wild speculation is built.

During the course of the episode Groff and Weidman, with Spera in tow, set from into the woods surrounding Hinsdale house. Groff tells us the woods have been a site of satanic rituals for some time, quite how he knows this is unclear. If there is a secret cabal of Satanists performing black masses in American forests, isn't the keyword "secret"? This becomes part of the haunting narrative when Groff later claims to hear "chanting" in the same woods.

He also tells us the house is built on "native Indian burial grounds" that old chestnut. He later adds "supposedly" to that assertion. And who exactly is asserting this? Where has Nick got this information from? We're never told. Just that clearly this has something to do with the hauntings.

We are also given the story of a woman, allegedly hung in the woods around Hinsdale. "Over 100 years ago, a woman was said to have been hanged in these woods..." Groff suggests. Again we get no indication of where Nick acquired this information, who this woman was, who hung her, who found her. Nothing. What we do get is a laughable sequence in which Groff and Weidman, and I'm not fucking joking here, go looking for a tree that "looks old enough" for the woman to have been hung from. Of course. they find one that fits the bill and conclude that it very likely is the correct tree. A few supposed EVPs confirm this is the right tree, as does Weidman's feeling of unease.

Looks creepy enough... this is definitely the location of our imaginary hanging

On the journey to the tree, Weidman speculates that the woman was an unwed woman, pregnant with child. Nick agrees "she could be pissed off" he adds, later speculating that this is the reason the Hinsdale spirit has targeted him. It doesn't like men. Again wild speculation is built into the show's narrative.

Problem 9: Investigating in the dark

Again a staple of both paranormal television and real ghost hunting groups, no investigator who uses this technique has been able to explain to me why ghost hunting is more likely to bear fruit when conducted in darkness. Surely investigators should be seeking to emulate conditions in which past sightings have occurred? Of course, ghost hunting in a well-lit environment isn't half as tense. The investigators themselves may not be as frightened and thus lessen the catharsis experienced by their viewers. Also hunting in well-lit environments may cause dissonance in a general public conditioned by television and film to expect ghostly occurrences in darkened enviroments.


Problem 10: The "Lockdown" premise is faulty

In a similar theme to the one above, no ghost hunter has yet to explain to me satisfactorily the purpose of locking down a location during an investigation. Many suggest that this is a form of control as exercised in scientific experiments. Here's the problem with that thinking. Firstly, as ghosts are yet to have been quantified as possessing particular qualities or causing particular environmental effects, how can one put in place "controls" for these effects.

Secondly, if we speculate that ghosts do, for example, cause cold spots, or anomalous electromagnetic fields, simply preventing people from entering a location isn't going to protect that location from drafts or electromagnetic fields generated by cameras and other pieces of equipment.

Finally,  these locations are rarely ever truly "locked down", in the episode in question Weidman wanders in and out of the house with a cameraman as Groff is conducting EVPs in an upstairs room. We are told there are no other crew members in attendance, but we can't be sure of this. In most ghost hunting shows we see different members of the crew split into teams to investigate different areas within a location, surely causing environmental disturbances.

Problem 11: Where's the baseline?

As with every other ghost hunting television show I've ever seen, the Lockdown team make no effort to measure baseline readings in the target location. As a result, they simply cannot know what constitutes a normal reading for that location. This means they can't suggest what is an anomalous reading is for that location!

For me, this is one of the main factors why I simply can't take most "ghost hunting," again delineating this from legitimate paranormal investigation, seriously.  If paranormal occurrences are suggested by anomalous data, it's vital to know what constitutes an anomaly.

Conclusion and Problem 12: The lack of originality in ghost hunting TV.

During the show Groff suggests that what he and Weidman are doing is "hardcore investigation", I legitimately don't see any investigation happening in this episode. A stark example of this is the image of Groff "investigating" by lying on a bed talking to himself. Shouting "I need answers" does not constitute looking for answers. The only thing Nick is investigating here is the comfort of mattresses in haunted locations!

Nick investigating Hinsdale house in a similar style to the investigation Goldilocks conducted in the three bears home.

The most striking thing about Paranormal Lockdown is how nonstriking it is. It's so similar to what has gone before, I was able to use a sample episode to define problems with the genre as a whole. Sure it has a gimmick, one which happens to be commonly employed in many other shows of this nature. But, it's otherwise indistinguishable. In fact, I'd say the most distinguishing factor is that Nick and Katrina seem strangely unmoved by what they are doing. Almost bored even...

Problem 13: When the stars of your ghost hunting show seem exhausted and bored maybe it's time to find a new format.

The Demon Files: Scraping the barrel to the molten core of the Earth.

Not a fan of paranormal TV.

In fact I think that almost without exception most paranormal television is complete and utter shit.

So while certain sections of social media went crazy this week after Karl Beattie of Most Haunted fame was caught "faking" a paranormal "happening" on the show's live Halloween investigation, I was oddly unmoved. You can read more about that here and here.

Frankly, whether Karl faked this incident or not was less of a concern to me than the fact that people were actually shocked, and in some cases DISAPPOINTED that MH would fake evidence! Most Haunted, and individuals involved have been exposed as faking stuff for YEARS (Don't believe me? Google Kreed Kafer).

Are these people oblivious to that?

What is abundantly clear is that many people do still find shows like Most Haunted credible, convincing evidence of the paranormal.

It was that notion that was in my mind when I came across Destination America's (also the producers of the recent Exorcism Live) new paranormal offering... The Demon Files... a show that is as exploitative, sensationalist and potentially dangerous as any other paranormal show I've ever seen, yes that includes Chip Coffey's utterly deplorable "Psychic Kids".

I decided to take a look at the first episode "The Mirror" aired on Destination America, Sunday 1st November 2015. The Demon Files is predominantly a vehicle for ex-cop turned Demonolgist,  Ralph Sarchie. You may be familiar with Sarchie from his book "Beware the Night" and the Eric Bana film based on his story "Deliver Us from Evil". I wasn't, meaning I came into this with a completely fresh perspective.

One thing is immediately and abundantly clear: this is Sarchie's show. Sure there's an introduction to the team at the beginning,  and the group shots in the promo material, but this is all about Ralph.

Sarchie is quick to point out in the introduction that he is not a paranormal investigator and not a "ghost hunter" he's a demonologist. Me thinks the lady does protest too much, especially when much of the "evidence" on display here is collected in the tried and tested (and failed) methods used by most ghost hunting TV shows:

EVP? Check.

Orb videos? Check.

Investigations in the dark when clearly a investigation in the light would be more feasible? Check.

The truth is that the only real difference here is this show is far more up front about its "demonic" agenda. This is just a culmination of a change that's been occuring in American paranormal shows for a while, demons are replacing ghosts simply because the idea is scarier. Demons are always evil, always inhuman, and never mean well. These aren't placid spooks that will be ushered gently into the light. Someone's gonna get fucked up messin' with a demonic.

Or not. Again the difference is a superficial one. These demons manifest in the same way as common garden spooks apparently, just check the above list.

So the concept of a "demonic" is presented here simply to up the tension and sense of danger. A cheap move in lieu of any actual tension. That would be my explanation for the laughable disclaimer the show begins with:












 "...May be due to ghosts or darker entities..." WOW. The way they've phrased that there almost makes it sound like someone has actually proven an evidential link... or even that paranormal activity, ghosts and dark entities ACTUALLY EXIST!

Oh and don't attempt exorcisms without "proper training" presumably proper training means buying some impressive looking equipment, some religious paraphernalia and declaring one's self a "demonologist". Oh and getting a TV show commissioned of course.

In this first episode Sarchie travels to Fayette, pennsylvania and meets Leigh-ann, 23, and family. Ralph tells us they have been suffering "violent attacks" indicative of demonic activity. But when the family recount their experiences there doesn't seem to be any violence involved. Their encounters range from the mundane and explainable, to the actually quite scary, but still explainable. scratching noises for example would be easily explained by vermin, something Sarchie never checks for.... he's not an investigator as he told us after all. And the "feeling" of being pinned in their beds experienced by Leigh-Ann and her mom explainable by sleep paralysis, still terrifying I'll attest, but explainable.

Leigh-Ann's mother goes on to describe her and her husband's history of substance abuse, domestic violence and Leigh-Ann's suicide attempt. Are these really the people that should be exposed in a paranormal TV show? I'd argue not. The family clearly have some very real problems, the stress of believing they are living under demonic oppression cannot be healthy for these people. Having Sarchie and a TV crew come in to confirm this is potentially very harmful.

There's already more than a whiff of exploitation about the show and we're less than ten minutes in.

Sarchie begins his tour of Leanne's home. He seems keen throughout the show to remind us he was a cop, he's states frequently "As a cop..." or "A cop deals with..." In this scene he is carrying a large torch with him during his snooping, despite the house being well lit.

In one bedroom he finds an old mirror which he decides is apart of the investigation, and linked to the demon, for absolutely no discernible reason other than it looks the part!

Through out his initial investigation Ralph's world-view becomes painfully apparent, he hangs crucifixes about the home, consults his Bible, and makes frequent references to the holy trinity, god's love and Satan. Whilst there isn't anything intrinsically wrong with him holding this world-view, he clearly isn't objective. He is looking for confirmation of his world views and one shouldn't be surprised when he finds it.

When he tell's us initially that he isn't a paranormal investigator he's being too modest. He isn't worthy of being called an investigator of any kind. He made his mind up long before he walked into that house. Hell, if he hadn't we wouldn't have a show would we?

At around 9 minutes in we get our first "paranormal event".

Brace yourself. Its a doozy.

Whilst rooting through Leigh-Ann's closet, filmed by his film crew, in a extremely cramped room, a stack of DVDs fall over.

And one of the DVDs has the word "Devil" on the cover, Well actually it doesn't. Its a copy of Ralph's own "Deliver us from Evil" movie (available from all good stockists, eh Ralph? Was this contractual or what?) which has title laid out in such a way that it looks like "Devil".

Following this event Ralph laughably shouts to his team "We've just had phenomena up here!" Really? A falling stack of DVDs is phenomena? Sarchie explains that these aren't just DVDs, they are DVDs about the devil. So that one on top of his film with the light blue cover, lady in scrubs and hot pink title is "about the devil"? Has Satan moved into the lucrative "chick-flick" market? It is evil....

Investigation done Ralph now wants to begin his "religious provocation". This involves him shouting insults into thin air in order to provoke the demon to attack him. Its become something of a staple of certain paranormal shows lately.

Before the provocation can begin however, Sarchie has the important job of turning the screws on the family in order to up the tension for the audience. Now this is what I call exploitation...

Sarchie essentially tells the visibly shaken family three things:

1, They have a demon, not just in the house but attached to them, meaning they can't just flee the house essentially.

2, If the demon is provoked it WILL hurt them.

3, He's off to provoke it.

Seriously.

I'll do some provocation of my own now, just to the producers of this show now and the FUCKWITS at Destination America who allowed it to be vomited onto their network:

Did any of you, stop for one second to consider the potential effects of telling all this to a family with a history of substance abuse, mental health issues and at least one suicide attempt between them, not to mention a clear obsession with the paranormal?  At all? Did any of you say "wait guys... could this HARM these people? Is the resulting sensationalism worth that potential harm?" And if none of you did, FUCK you. And if you did and decided to proceed anyway... FUCK YOU!

I suspect that this "provocation" of your ethical sensibilities is as wasted as Ralph's attempts to provoke demons.... AS NEITHER THING ACTUALLY FUCKING EXISTS!

Anyway... Ralph's provocations are cringingly  bravado fuelled, he describes them as "Basically giving the devil the finger". The gems include:

"Come and get some!"

"Manifest you coward!"

And "Beware the night jerk -off", which is the name of Sarchies' book (minus the "jerk-off" obviously). Available at all good retailers.

Sarchie visibly revels in his macho routine, one suspects his warnings to the family simply serve in his mind to make his scene more impressive. It doesn't, it makes it sickeningly crass.

During this process and the following investigation Ralph's team are supposedly collecting evidence that will confirm this is a situation in need of a exorcism. A foregone conclusion for Sarchie already we can be sure.

The collected evidence 
1. Video's of "orbs". One of which Sarchie states cannot be dust as it changes shape as it moves. Well orbs aren't dust, they are light reflecting from dust (and other particles) hitting a camera lens. As they move the angle at which the light hits the lens so the shape clearly does change and often disappears, Sachie also finds it remarkable that as he and a colleague open a door several "orbs" rush past them. This is easily explained by Brownian motion.

2. Temperature variations throughout the house. At no point does Sarchie consult an actual measuring tool to measure these claimed changes. Also there's no evidence that any base-line readings have been taken, meaning noone can legitimately say whether these fluctuations are out of the ordinary.

3. Some of the weakest EVP you'll ever hear. Seriously even with the captioning on the screen I couldn't make out what was being suggested to be. Steve Huff would be outraged.... then sell them an app.

4. Subjective feelings from team "psychic" Shaun. Lots of "I feel..." and "I sense..."

At one point a window shutter bangs scaring Shaun out of his skin. He claims as it happened he was receiving a terrifying vision of a "lizard-demon" . Funny he looked pretty relaxed to me before it happened, not someone experiencing a "terrifying vision"

5. Leigh-Ann's suicide attempt. Yep... you read it. Ralph presents this young woman's attempt to take her life as prime evidence as the presence of a "demonic". The show returns time and time again to this. Physic Shaun has the taste of pills in his mouth. Leigh-Ann's drawings of a lizard-demon that she believes she saw as she was unconscious is trotted out, seemingly matching the vision Shaun had as he was falling asleep.... sorry conducting EVPS.

The mirror is cursed because Leigh-Ann was looking into it when she tried to kill herself.

It just goes on and on.



















All this is just so tasteless. Attributing attempted suicide to the actions of a non-existent fairy tale entity in order to strengthen the case for an exorcism that has to happen for there to be a TV show.... I'm sure that Leigh-Ann receive a lot of therapy after this incident, all this BULLSHIT not only cheapens that genuine help, but threatens to undo it.


 Anyway...

Sarchie has the balls to describe the utter guff I've listed above as "spectacular evidence". He's wrong on both counts. Neither is it spectacular, nor is it evidence.

Needless to say the exorcism, he concludes, must go ahead.

Sarchie sits down again with the family. He tells Leigh-Ann that she is responsible for inflicting this terror on her family by drawing an anarchy symbol on her bedroom wall in sharpe when she was thirteen and allegedly dabbling with the occult. As this brings her to tears, he tells her:

"You are the devil's now."

To a young girl... quite obsessed with the paranormal.... who has previously attempted suicide.

Excuse me for a second.....

Ahem...

We get our second disclaimer now. This one even more bombastic and sensationalist.
















Sarchie warns us after this how dangerous the ritual is. The devil, he says "won't go down without a fight" which leads one to wonder why the family are still in the house when it occurs? In fact why have they been left there throughout the whole process? Because the audience need to see someone scared to aid catharsis, and Ralph's ego won't allow him to be the one who is in the vulnerable position. They are his sacrificial lambs, literally at one point, when Sarchie sends Leigh-Ann and her mother, both already terrified, to their beds to "lure out" the demon!

This becomes deliciously ironic when Sarchie points out the potential physical and psychological threat to the family during the exorcism. This is the first time I've seen even the remotest regard for the families well-being in about 36 minutes. Its a hollow gesture given what has gone before,

Another hollow gesture is waiving the potential physical harm (not that I believe there actually is the potential for physical harm here. Not unless Ralph drops his massive crucifix on his toe) by saying Mike and Mark will be with the family and they are "fully police trained". I presume this includes restraining lizard demons?

Ralph pushes on with the exorcism, conducted by errr.... himself. It seems that like most demonologists, Sarchie has decided that title qualifies him to do virtually anything at a whim, except speak Latin apparently. In fact the whole ritual is sans Latin, this sentence contains more Latin. And then its over.... despite all the warnings... the disclaimers... the dramatic music.... NOTHING HAPPENS.

Ironically at the end of the show, Ralph tells us he's taking the cursed mirror to John Zaffis, He's having the nephew of the Warrens recycle his old shit after spending 42 minutes recycling theirs!

And that's it, the devil goes down, it seems, without so much as a whimper...

And that's the problem here. Throughout the whole thing, to quote Del Amitri, nothing ever happens, Nothing happens at all.

And that's my experience of paranormal programming in general. Take away the dramatic music, the scared punters, the disclaimers and there's nothing.

In light of this, can one really be that angry that during a three hour live Most Haunted episode, someone ensured at least SOMETHING happened, even if it was fake?

Ironically at the end of the show, Ralph tells us he's taking the cursed mirror to John Zaffis, He's having the nephew of the Warrens recycle his old shit after spending 42 minutes recycling theirs!